This last month I have finally gotten back on my feet a little bit. Breaking up with Aadam has been the catalyst for changing my life. In all honesty, I had become increasingly unsatisfied with all aspects of my life: my friendships, my job, my creative process, love and even my location. Our demise left me feeling so desperate, I had to change my life, and I did so earnestly. After a few months, the seeds I had planted began to flourish. I had lingering sadness over Aadam, but I could manage it. If my life is a novel, I know this will someday be my sweetest chapter, a beautiful darkness, the turning point.
Aadam called me last Monday and I felt excited to hear from him. We caught up and agreed to meet for drinks Saturday night at my favorite haunt(after three months of not seeing each other). I had anxiety about it, but I knew we had to move on and I needed to apologize for being unkind when my sky was falling.
(When Aadam walks into a room, it is if the air is sucked out it and no one else exists. A punch in the gut. I have never experienced something this enormous before and I have no explanation for it. It never disappears, regardless of how often I see him. I hate his style, his sleep machine, his jokes are corny and his feature can sometimes look crazy, but he stuns me.)
We sit down and it feels good. I don't feel sick or anxious. It's genuinely great to see him and I am filled with only love. It's all going great until he says he has gone on some dates (8) with a guy he likes. He wouldn't call him a boyfriend, they haven't had sex, but he likes him. I told him that I was wishing him love everyday so I knew he would move on, but I still felt some sadness. All of the little sweet things he did for me that made "us" are now being done for somebody else. My bruised ego reappears. I take deep breaths as he tells me how light and goofy he is. "He is more like me and has my sense of humor". I finally got to ask, "why wasn't it me?" I asked with the softest heart imaginable and waited. "You were always so emotional and it was just harder." "You have no idea what you mean to me or how many things you have taught me." I completely understood. It was hard. I was miserable waiting for his personality to match the physical energy he filled me with. I had always felt this burning connection, but maybe I had been wrong to assume that meant we were meant to be lovers. Just because he doesn't carry me off into the sunset does not mean ours is not a happy ending.
The hour sails by and when he drops me off, he gives me one of his signature giant hugs (and nothing feels as good) and a friendly kiss on the cheek.
It wasn't until the next day, when I was retelling the story to my mother that I started quietly crying. It's really over. Two puzzle pieces that will never fit. My tears are beautiful prayers, not indictments of any hurt we have made.
I don't know what happens next, but I am proud of us. I hope he has someone light and fun in his life as equally as i hope I have someone deep, complex and creative in mine.