12 April 2011

stars in still water

A few nights ago, standing across from Aadam and his new BF, it dawned on me that I am getting over it. For once, I wasn't feeling a tug or a pang or even insecurity. Even knowing he's met his mother does nothing to me. I looked at the two of them and was surprised to find that I really do wish them happiness.  As soon as that thought entered my consciousness, I knew I had let go. Stranger still, seeing them together only makes me glad that it isn't me. 

I have been going on a few dates, but I don't really need a relationship right now. I have this stupid ticking clock in my brain, yelling at me to hurry up, but I am learning to ignore it. The older I get, the more I realize that listening to the voice that tells you to hurry will almost always end in regret. If I am being truthful, I had felt as though I needed a relationship because inside I felt destroyed and stupidly hoped for a quick fix. It's stupid to keep halfheartedly recommitting myself to the same mistakes, with the same type of person, over and over just to avoid the fear of being alone. If I am honest, there's more love in my life than I responsibly know how to care for as it is. Being alone is an illusion.

I purchased this really expensive bottle of french red wine months ago (a beautiful french clerk told me it was his favorite and that's all it took) for a special occasion and last night just felt like the right time to drink it. So I took a hot salted bath, opened the windows and lit some candles, drank wine in bed and listened to music. I was smiling and it hit me how happy I was. Even better, it's not tied to anything or anyone. My phone beeped and it was Dan. Please come see me.  This weather reminds me of a night that I should be coming over to see you and I miss you.  My smile got bigger and my heart felt fuller, so obviously I am still boy crazy, but I'm done going backwards....really done.  

So, I am going to enjoy a summer (maybe a whole life) of being single and just see what happens.  I am actually looking forward to it.

1 comment:

  1. Well stated. I ran across your blog via Salmagundi, and added you to my own blog roll at The Muse Descending. I've been single going on two years now, and am really happy and content. I hope your journey down this road is just as fulfilling.