14 January 2011

redefining my instincts.

It would be really hard to describe the last few months in blog form (especially in the short story form I often use), but suffice to say, it has been one of the most difficult points in my life.  Aadam broke up with me in August because he was afraid, only to want me back a few weeks later. I was miserable without him, so of course I went back. With all of the unease I was feeling after the first break up, I was never really myself anymore. I was anxious, needy, jealous, suspicious, sharp tongued and judgemental. One of us pushes, the other pulls, taking turns being the more affectionate or  the more patient until we snap and withdraw only to reverse roles. It began to feel rewardless and exhausting and I was so angry because I was convinced it was my fault.

The night of the second break up, he had come over as he normally did and I asked him what was going on. His own uncertainty filled my room. He said it was nothing but I was insistent I could feel it, and he should be honest.  He said he was unable to put it into words. He had never felt this way about anyone but he had all of this internal muck he needed to clear out.(to say that he had a rough childhood would be putting it lightly) One by one the words he'd held inside began to fall from his lips, and I knew what was coming. I felt the wind knocked out of me and I started pacing and feeling sick again. He looked at me with tears in his reddening eyes and said "don't you think I'm feeling the same way? do you have any idea how much you mean to me?" I felt like nothing.

The month that followed was rough. I was feeling left out of his life. I was being passive aggressive and then apologetic. I would wait for his call, just to yell at him, hoping to get an explanation that made sense. He left me reeling. 
I had to get out of this, but how? The minute I would get home from work, I would fill the bathtub with hot water, turn off all of the lights, light a candle, put on Jonsi or sigur ros and meditate in the steaming water.  One by one, every idea I ever had about love, my family, my friends and my past relationships marched forward to present themselves.  First it was making peace with my fathers death, then walking out on Richard, followed by Aadam's and Dan's inability to commit, but that was just the beginning. Tapping into my source made me realize I had been  a fucking mess most of my life. Living carelessly, only to be leveled the minute someone treated me the same way I treated a lot of the men in my life.  Months of this, sorting through years of unfinished business and I could finally find peace and forgiveness. I finally realized why I kept coming back to the same spot over and over.

Years of keeping a lie about my sexuality kept me from ever feeling loved.  Whenever someone would tell me they loved me, the voice in the back of my head would say "if they only knew".  I was unconscious of this, but I believed it.  At first it was with family and friends, but eventually it crept into every aspect of my life. Someone would say "I love your hair" and I would think, "how will anyone love me once it falls out?". When you approach love or life from the standpoint that you are unlovable, you find people to justify you own fucked up belief about yourself and no matter what people say, you hear what you need to.

If Aadam gave me anything, it was the way out of my own head. It wasn't pretty, but it changed everything.

1 comment:

  1. It is inspiring to hear what really goes on inside another's head. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone.