27 August 2010

the story of us part 3

When all is said and done, he asks me if because of his admission, he will lose me in his life.  I flirt with the fantasy that I will be strong enough to just walk away, but ultimately, I can't do it. I can hardly face him and I feel so fucking stupid for thinking that just because I love him, he’d be ready.  We walk home and share a really long hug and I have to leave before I completely turn to water.

Before running inside, I finally said I love you.  Not a perfect a moment to say it, but it was overwhelming me. I think he said it back.
Upstairs, I run to the bathroom to throw up. Was it my insides way of trying to go back in time, before he told me I wasn’t the one? or was it food poisoning? I felt momentary relief to be having such a violent physical reaction that matched what I was feeling inside. (I’m not bulemic or an emotional cutter, but now I get the appeal). 
I had a sleepless night of cleaning drawers, sweeping floors, crying, pacing my apartment,rereading old letters and texts, anything that proved he had felt it too and that I had blown it. There was a lesson in this that I needed to learn in order for me to feel gratitude instead of feeling defeated (My own little Elizabeth Gilbert BS moment). The minute I would turn off the TV to lay down, I would have to stand up again because the panic felt like drowning. I slept from 4:50am -5:56am. I spent the entire day falling apart at the bank, at Target, at work and on my bike. I couldn’t eat because I felt sick and I was afraid I would throw up again.  
I finally picked up the phone and called Aadam because I needed clarity. Yes, it’s the thing that you aren’t supposed to do when someone rejects you, but I had to know what would change. He told me what I needed to hear and I felt better and loved.
The part I can’t let go of is wanting one more night back in our old life to say goodbye. I want to roll over and see him sleeping, kiss his back and wrap my arms around him. I want to appreciate it and burn it into my mind while it’s happening, instead of taking him for granted. Will I ever fully appreciate what I have while it’s happening?  Or is the best I’ll ever have just a few fleeting moments here and there of absolute clarity.  
Love is often an out of body experience for me.  My mouth rarely reveals what is swimming through my brain when it’s needed most and that’s something I have to fix.
Relying mostly on my writing or my art to reveal what I’m truly feeling is only going to get me so far.

1 comment:

  1. Wow what a story.

    You write so well, your words touch your readers (at least this one) at a heart level which I think is a universal level. And I think, too, that is why you are such a good, creative artist.