26 August 2010

the story of us part 2

Months go by, and we keep in touch via the occasional text.  By this time, he has come out of the closet and moved out of his mothers house.  I am excited for him and after months of putting in off, we finally set up a time to see each other.   I am nervous, but when I see him I just feel happy.  He seems excited about all of the things happening in his life and I am relieved.  I felt attracted to him, but it wasn't exactly romantic or anything.  We talk about other guys in our lives and deep down I am jealous, although I have zero right to be and I want  to slap myself for being selfish again.  We end the night and agree to do it again soon.   Another couple months go by and for the first time in years, I am finally feeling like i am in a good place again.  We talk about why I did the things I did and as I am verbalizing my feelings, I realize how stupid my reasoning is.  None of us are ever going to meet a perfect person that meets everything on our checklist.  If him believing in Noah's Ark is the worst thing I can think of, I am just being an asshole who deserves to be alone the rest of his life.  (And before you get crazy about the negative parts of religion, it also has it's positives.  Aadam is the sweetest, most generous and forgiving guy I have ever met and a lot of that has to do with his faith, so I absolutely cannot fault religion or him).  We end up holding hands in an alleyway and I feel blood pulsing in my veins again. The emotional chemistry has matched the physical, and it’s heady. The more we meet, the more I begin feeling something deeper and bigger than I had felt before and I am no longer confused. We end the night with hugs and kisses, (like you might do when you were a teenager) and I feel happy to have him back in my life.   Last week, when he dropped me off, I felt the words "I LOVE YOU" in my head.  I didn't say it, but I knew it was building.

I began to think about us before bedtime  and first thing when I woke up and I am sort of shocked to be feeling the way that I do. He, on the other hand has expressed his fear of dating me, and given our track record, I can't blame him. Stupidly, I just assume I will show him how I have changed and that it will just work itself out. Hindsight has shown me that Aadam, in one form or the other, has been the best thing to happen to me in the last two years and I just expect a happy ending. 

We agreed to meet for dinner last night and when I get there, I can feel the distance.  He has a way of saying certain things and awkwardly smiling that feels like little dominos being stood up, just to be tapped over.  He starts telling me how special I am and how much he likes me and has from the first time we met, but his insides are keeping him from being able to choose me. Meanwhile, I am telling myself  "Oh God, it's happening, he doesn't have faith in me".  As much as I usually prepare myself for this, in this case, I hadn't. To begin the end, he pulled out a quote from Eat Pray Love about soul mates.

"A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you
everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever.  Nah.  Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.  And thank God for it."

And while I get why people quote this sort of thing, I wanted his words, not some Elizabeth Gilbert bestselling BS about what's been true for her.  I knew what was coming next and  for a second, felt mad at God for not telling Aadam to choose me.  Clearly I was grasping. I felt humiliated and generic and I was getting a taste of the bitter medicine I had fed him many months ago. I am absolutely positive he wasn't trying to hurt me, but how could I not be leveled?

to be continued..

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