26 August 2010

the story of us pt. 1

I know I have to write about Aadam, and I am not sure why I haven't before.  I think that deep down, I never truly understood the trajectory of our relationship or where it was headed, so I just kept waiting for the right time.   I'm finally ready.
I met Aadam two Octobers ago, about two weeks after I had moved out of the home I had shared with Richard.  I was emotionally numb and unavailable, but I needed someone to help fill the giant void left behind in the wake of another failed relationship. As tragic as it is to admit this, being wanted was the only thing that kept me afloat and numb. I was so fucking overwhelmed and scared about my new life.  Having spent the last five years in a sexless relationship, I needed physical intimacy.  It was only meant to be casual, and I made that crystal clear, but I could always tell Aadam felt something bigger than I wanted him too.  A week after we had met, he sent a sweet card in the mail saying he respected my emotional limitations, but that he would always be there for me. (Looking back, I love, love, love that card, but at the time it scared the shit out of me).  I immediately started finding ways to back away and to stay detached.  I felt unbearable guilt, but I had been honest the entire time so some of it was on him too.  In the back of my mind I knew that not only was he living at home, he was in the closet and deeply religious.  Even if I had been open,  I couldn't imagine it ever really working out.  
After about a year of avoiding Aadam's feelings and what I knew deep down he wanted , I told him  that I was not able to commit (and even worse, it was over a facebook IM). Deep down, I had just felt he wasn't the one.  I didn't want to hurt him, although of course I just had.  I was still in the haze of my own selfishness, so I didn't even fully appreciate what I had done to him. (At this point I was still jumping on a plane to LA every time I felt overwhelmed, or lonely, or needy. I wasn't exactly processing my feelings in healthy way). I was trying to be a responsible person, but in hindsight, I was a wrecking ball.

(Writing this now (when  I am a little more connected to my feelings)  destroys me).

1 comment:

  1. The fact you are able to identify that you were being incredibly selfish, means you are not a bad person.