07 April 2010
Today was the first day in months I didn't wake up to crows hovering outside my windows. I walked over to the park to see if they were still there, but they were indeed gone. In the beginning, I wanted to walk outside with a shotgun just to get them to shut the fuck up, but lately, I had started looking forward to the noisy swarm. They really were extraordinary. Their moving on probably means that I need to do the same.
It's been hard to shake Dan. It's a bit like when you break a mug or something you love too much to throw away, so you glue it back together... but you know that it is still broken and it bothers you every time you use it. It's just not the same and it can't be. Truthfully, It's hard to give up moments of him crawling into my bed, pulling me close to him, whispering in my ear about wanting to make me happy. I realize it's mostly smoke and mirrors, but he is just so beautiful and intense and nothing about him is perfect, and that makes me feel such relief. He's in my guts, but I am realizing it's time for it to be over.
Like so many others, I may run into him years from now (when we have both moved on) and we will smile and be all awkward and whatever this is, will be gone. I will get quiet and all soft again, haunted by memories of crows, a million candles and the puddles his shoes left on my floor for two confusing winters.