09 March 2010

back at it

A murder of crows woke us up this morning, having lulled us to sleep just hours before.  This year has been an epic winter for black birds.  When I was a kid, I remember an entire summer of giant black crows taking over my small town.  The newspapers warned parents to keep small children and pets inside because of the threat of attack. I mean, they were giant, but they never attacked me or anyone I knew.  I used to sneak out after dinner and sit under any tree that was filled with them. Even as a boy, I loved the idea of tempting disaster and the satisfying thought that I might be attacked. I felt alive.

Fall was unseasonably warm so the crows never left and they have been swarming my neighborhood all night for months.  The snow covered park looks black at night because of all the thousands of shiny black bodies hovering in the trees. (when I have shown people, they actually gasp). It looks like the set of a Stevie Nicks video.

In a moment of weakness, I invited dan over after a late night text from him. I had been lying in bed thinking about birds when "do you hate me?" popped up on my phone. I have spent the last couple of months avoiding his calls and texts, but I wanted to feel it again. He asked me if I needed an explanation or  a reason for our "break up", but I didn't and that was the truth. I knew that it made me feel bad, but it wasn't something I necessarily needed clarity on. I don't want him to be my forever, but I still want to see him as much as I can. He's exciting and he makes me nervous and it's been far too long since someone has affected me this way. 

He whispered into my ear that he loved me, which I ignored.  So he kept saying it until I changed the subject. He doesn't love me, not even close, and I am certain of that.  I fell asleep to him whispering in my ear and holding my hand and I smelled like him and I felt so warm. I didn't even want to remove his water glass from my night stand because I like seeing that he was here.  I hate that I am not ready to lose him.
I know he will eventually leave and probably even move out of state by Fall, but who knows, maybe it will be unseasonably warm and he will decide to stay another Winter.


  1. Beautiful post. I always leave your blog feeling the weight of my own loneliness. The wish that I had someone who sent me late night texts, who kissed my back, who left water glasses.

  2. Oh that's so beautiful. What's not beautiful is how empty that makes me feel- empty because I once had those feelings, and longing for them makes their absence more evident.

    RE: the glass on the nightstand- I'm so relieved I'm not the only one who does shit like that.

    :D *hugs*

  3. Jeffrey!

    Sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock movie with all those crows about!

    I think Dan played on your heartstrings but you were sensible enough to think with a clear head after all was said and done.