20 January 2010

my sunday Jan 17.2010

I felt especially happy, so I prepared a bowl of steaming noodles with green onions, miso broth, shattered peanuts and bean sprouts.  I like how plain but meaningful this meal has become to me. (thanks in large part to the films of Ron kar wai and a small cafe in Paris)  Few things make me as happy as sitting on my floor, in front of the speakers,  daydreaming and eating steaming bowls of noodles.  As I was winding the noodles around my chopsticks, my phone beeps, and after two months in absentia, it's you (waterworks).  Of fucking course it is. I had only started not thinking about you just two days before so it's only logical you  should reappear.
"hey.  What's up?"
"I just got home, listening to music"
"we should hang"
"It's just funny how you appear out of nowhere, expecting to hang out"
"It was a break I guess."
"Listen Dan, I am not going to be angry or anything equally as stupid, but the way you left last time left me feeling pretty shitty."
"And I always wanted to tell you that I would never try to out you.. I know you worry about that."
"Thanks. I still want to talk sometime though."

and that was that. No satisfaction about his return,  just loneliness. (wasn't I just feeling like a japanese movie star just moments before?)  That's the confusing thing, just when I think I have actually turned a corner, I realize I am just walking around the same block.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't wanting to see him again or that I didn't know he would come back, but I already know how this ends and I'm not sure I am willing to go there again.  I mean, I have kicked myself a million times for things I should have said, asked, done... but I had hoped this hindsight might make me better for someone else, not him.   But now I have the opportunity to see that face again, and it's trumping my common sense.
I wish I could quit you.


  1. Even in Japanese films the endings never change.
    Rather than walking around the same block, maybe go out a different door and turn the other direction?
    We all must accept that we cannot change anyone.
    I was once in a relationship with a guy that wouldn't come out and one last time, being introduced as his "friend" and I walked outside, turned the other direction, and never looked back.

  2. Or, the devil you know is better than the one waiting to pounce.

    Dipping into a dry well in hopes it will produce again is natural. Much easier than a long, uncertain journey to find a new source of fulfillment. You have to decide when you're ready to stop hoping for what used to be, and take a risk on something new, different.

    Different is scary. New isn't always satisfying.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


  3. Maybe you should block his # so he can't call you anymore, and you can stop thinking of him for a while. It is human nature to behave in patterns. But walking around the same block is bound to make you dizzy.

  4. and just for the record, I haven't gone there yet.
    I appreciate the advice.

  5. But isn't that bowl of hot noodles the best thing though. You hang up and there's this warm bowl with steam rising from it. You feel the heat in your hands, your focus on the noodles and the slices of green; you focus on what is at that moment - you on the floor in front of the speakers with a bowl of noodles, and you let those feelings pass by like clouds. You feel bad because you hold onto feelings that are as wisping and ephemeral as mist and interpret them to mean something more than they are - just a cloud in front of the sun that quickly will move on, if you just sit still long enough and let your bowl of noodles keep you there. :)

    I know what you mean. It seems most of the people (i.e. men) that I "enjoy" in my life leave me feeling so alone.