20 January 2010
my sunday Jan 17.2010
I felt especially happy, so I prepared a bowl of steaming noodles with green onions, miso broth, shattered peanuts and bean sprouts. I like how plain but meaningful this meal has become to me. (thanks in large part to the films of Ron kar wai and a small cafe in Paris) Few things make me as happy as sitting on my floor, in front of the speakers, daydreaming and eating steaming bowls of noodles. As I was winding the noodles around my chopsticks, my phone beeps, and after two months in absentia, it's you (waterworks). Of fucking course it is. I had only started not thinking about you just two days before so it's only logical you should reappear.
"hey. What's up?"
"I just got home, listening to music"
"we should hang"
"It's just funny how you appear out of nowhere, expecting to hang out"
"It was a break I guess."
"Listen Dan, I am not going to be angry or anything equally as stupid, but the way you left last time left me feeling pretty shitty."
"And I always wanted to tell you that I would never try to out you.. I know you worry about that."
"Thanks. I still want to talk sometime though."
and that was that. No satisfaction about his return, just loneliness. (wasn't I just feeling like a japanese movie star just moments before?) That's the confusing thing, just when I think I have actually turned a corner, I realize I am just walking around the same block.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't wanting to see him again or that I didn't know he would come back, but I already know how this ends and I'm not sure I am willing to go there again. I mean, I have kicked myself a million times for things I should have said, asked, done... but I had hoped this hindsight might make me better for someone else, not him. But now I have the opportunity to see that face again, and it's trumping my common sense.
I wish I could quit you.