21 October 2009

softer, softest.

When I texted from the plane that I was sad and needed to start reexamining my life, it was more about letting you know that I would be unavailable for a while, rather than some grand announcement that I would be embarking on some spiritual journey through the wreckage of my love life.  I wasn't about to indulge in a peyote moment in a sweat lodge,  if that's what you were thinking.
But here is what I have come up with.  I realize I am ready to find that one person again to fall in love with, and jump in head first.  After a year of "dodging the bullet" and happily avoiding the trappings of love,  something inside of me has shifted.  So yes, to use your word for it,  I suppose this winter will be a "journey" of sorts, (if you call writing classes, pottery classes and  monogamous dating a journey), but it actually sort of feels more  like picking up where I left off before this crazy past year of escapism and various unhealthy ways to deal with loss.
You never were the one for me and I was never the one for you.  We clung to each other for that very reason, don't you think?  It sounds cold, but isn't it liberating to say what we have both been thinking?
And physical attraction is great, but it will never be enough for me... or you.   I keep trying to find the softest words available to describe my current state of mind  but it doesn't involve you and I hate the way that  it  sounds.  

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