22 October 2009

almost golden.

Cameron. (my golden boy)
You saved me in many ways.  I loved your devilish smirk, your huge muscles and hairy chest. I was in the process of getting out of the most damaging relationship I had ever been in (I may have even been hiding a black eye) and  I needed  the easy way you approached me and made me feel like I had always known you and could trust you. I envied the way you could wear a white tshirt and nothing else and look perfect and make everyone stare. Your golden brown hair and your lightness of being.  I couldn’t believe you would even look at me, let alone kiss me for hours at a time. The way you would get me to stay, without saying anything,  by standing there in your underwear  with your head cocked  and that smile.  Dealing with all of those guys wanting to sleep with you ,that would make fun of my being 20 and  my “twinky” body.  (they really were awful to me) How your crazy lesbian venezuelan wife (green card) , would crawl into our bed, even though we would both be naked.  My modesty almost completely gone. The dirty things you would say to me in the bedroom or out at night to get me going. The games we would play. All those things you taught me about my body. I had all of these insane, esoteric ideas of what I was going to be and do and you knew better, but never questioned a thing. Moving to Atlanta with you and driving with our pants down almost the entire way. We didn’t even have a place to go so we drove around until we found that huge white house with over-grown bougainvillias with a for rent sign in the front yard. I hated being so confused about what I was really feeling for you, realizing that sex alone wasn’t a reason to stay with you. You always seemed as though you could take it or leave it, and that has never really worked for me.  Moving out after years of going nowhere and you acting like you didn’t really care.  Calling me 12 years later in the middle of the night to tell me  you wished you could have made things work between us and  that you didn’t realize how much you had loved me.  I always wondered what you really saw in me, I was so damaged and  I didn’t have a clue about love or life or who I even was.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, what a powerful and beautiful post. Sounds like a great learning experience for you. Too bad it didn't last.