I completed a Psychology Today quiz called "Are you Single at Heart?" and after getting 100% of the answers affirmative, I realized , I am probably not the marrying kind. Accepting your nature is something you do when you are rapidly approaching 40.
Douglas and I are no longer together. After 6 months of dating, it wasn't expanding beyond the "i like you a lot" phase. I felt resentful about all the time he wanted with me and he resented me for wanting to be alone. Perhaps I'm easy to love with candles lit, my ipod playlists filling the room or over a glass of wine, when I need to connect with someone. On days when I live in my head, however, I am difficult to understand, so I get the confusion that Douglas had about me. The person in the bedroom, so open, playful and warm, disappears in the morning. I'm counting down the minutes in my head until I can be alone again.
I awoke to a full moon last night. It hung huge and bright right outside my bedroom window and I felt guilty about not needing anyone to share it with. I felt the pull, the wonder, and marveled at how the energy of something so far away could wake me. If someone were sleeping next to me, would I even want to wake them? People often don't believe me when I say I am unafraid (generally) of being alone, but these moments make me certain I am telling the truth.
During our final conversation, Douglas reminded me that I never made him breakfast, that I wasn't the life of the party and that I kept too many things to myself. He suggested that I needed to be more open if I wanted to make things work. (It was quite a contrast to a conversation a week earlier when he told me how awesome I was and that he loved showing me off). Frankly, I felt like a hedgehog constantly in a ball because he was always poking at me to be something I will never be.
Don't try to turn someone into something they aren't. Even if you get what you want, you will resent yourself for not being satisfied.
*I used to do this silly thing as a child. I would page through GQ or the Spiegel's catalogue and pick out men that I wished were my father. It's funny how I equated handsome faces and nice clothes with goodness. Douglas looks like a J crew catalogue model and has all of the hobbies I thought I admired. It's funny how often the things you think you want are exactly what you don't.