When Aadam and I broke up, I wanted to talk all of the time, I wanted to hold on to whatever of us there was left, wringing the last drops of water from a spent rag. Wether it was talking to him or my friends, I was constantly talking about it, I just wasn't ready to let go. Did I want the reason for our demise be my fault or his? I went back and forth to whatever was most satisfying, although I'm sure I wasn't any closer to the truth.
The universe came at me with a force that actually frightened me. Buddhist philosophy boils it down to "notice that" or "I am that". It seems simple, but when every interaction is an opportunity to see yourself in the "goodness" and "darkness" of others, it's a bit overwhelming. My mind was going a million miles a minute. I had spent most of my life avoiding connection. But now, every interaction I had, however small, was an opportunity to find meaning. I wanted to discuss everything, to unravel my epiphany. How did I become so disconnected from what I am? One thing I am sure of is that I am a soul having a human experience. We all are. I used to think the voice in my head was me, until I learned (through meditation) that the voice was just a manifestation of what I wanted to believe the world to be. It was the thing that kept me separate from everything.
Lately, I have been wanting quiet. You know, this blog was never to be a confessional, just tiny portraits, moments of my love life I might have forgotten had I not written them down. Sometimes it was just needing to talk my way out of feeling shitty. I needed this. Lately, I haven't felt like sharing every little detail of my relationship, it all feels a bit much. Talking about a love life that didn't have the traditional "happy" ending felt like it had some worth, could be helpful, but blogging about being happy in a traditional relationship seems silly. I need to figure out where to take this.
I think maybe we all worry too much about things that we cannot change; a past that leaves us confused or hurt, a lover who leaves, moments we didn't leave when we should have or moments we didn't stand up for ourselves or others. It's all temporary. Everything is temporary. Breathe and let it go.
Happy Holidays. Be good to each other.