09 October 2009


i'm pretty sure it was your smell (it always comes down to smell with me), like a Parisian hotel.  
us awkwardly discussing past loves, our history,  the devastation of being alone sometimes, fumbling to remove each others clothes, the taste of whiskey on our lips, all while trying to agree on a playlist.  You hit me like a wrecking ball and you made me realize I will never be that person I spent the last year pretending to be.  
How do people you've known your entire life not see you, and someone you've just met does, instantly?  It's unnerving, and a relief too , I suppose.
I've been thinking about you for days now, mostly unconsciously, wishing I could walk up that broken little sidewalk, littered with abandoned headboards and mattresses, crawl into your bed and see you again.  of course I can't... you are a thousand miles away (in so many ways).  
and I am such a fucking idiot, of course someone wrapping their arms and legs around you means they want you to stay.  the worst part is that what I was afraid of happening if i stayed, happened anyways.  
Looking at all of the pictures in your online portfolio and youtube reels only makes me forget.  something about those perfected photos betrays how I know you, what I remember... they erase the sweetness of you.  
I walked back to my hotel, down that crooked sidewalk,  relieved to be feeling something again, excited it (I) was still there!!!!
I've written a million pathetic postcards in my brain and of course I would never send them out, I would sound like a complete psycho.

1 comment:

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