An endless enthusiasm for detachment. Discovering the true nature of my origin; situation vs genetics. saltwater and how these things that excite me don’t move without it. Bursting vs feeling nothing. justifying my lack of enthusiasm or interest to people who just need or expect too much from me. wondering why we always have to be saying something vs could i ever get tired of talking to you? You in those white briefs and why I chose THEN to feel nothing but sadness even though you were beautiful and available. haunted by my most intimate choices. trusting only my own fearlessness and selfishness vs having faith in design and consequence. feeling alive only on really windy days or when running or down by the water or in the really hot sun vs needing hibernation and quietness or just a fucking break. pressing thoughts sent via phone texts arriving with a beep and my heart aching at the lack of connection and desire. Obsessing about gravity and infinity and the depth of the ocean and getting worried and nervous. questioning my motives and wondering if I am who I think I am and want to be. real conversations vs the imaginary ones I so love to have.obsessing about why you never arrived.being good at almost everything i try except the one thing that would have made us close. missing the mountains and cabins and snakes and bears and big skies and Spencer and Tara but needing electricity and culture. The inspiration of my own confusion vs needing the definitive answer and the ease of being right. worrying I would lose you vs worrying about losing myself.