I woke up to him murmuring "snuggle" somewhat gruffly into my ear.  I have come to realize in the last 2 months that it means he wants me to do the spooning. I met Douglas 15 years ago through a mutual friend. I had noticed him before over the years, although he just seemed too golden for me.   Sun kissed skin, bright eyes and easy smile.   I remember once seeing him across the bar years ago and thinking we were polar opposites. My warmth is hidden, while his was incandescent.

Whenever I was single from then on, I looked for him, but never saw him up until 8 weeks ago. We exchanged numbers and agreed to keep in contact.  The following Sunday we met for brunch and he looked so handsome it actually made me feel sick. I had this strange adrenaline rush and I felt shaky and totally off my game and couldn't really eat my breakfast. I saw something heavy in his eyes that made me think that he must had been hurt as a kid. (This strange mix of do you see me? vs. don't look too close) I felt relief to see something beyond what he was trying to make me believe, although I worried he didn't have much compassion for himself. When he texted me later that he had fun, I was a bit surprised.  I had figured I'd blown it. 

Every week we get to know each other a little more, slowly building trust.  I worry I may be past the point of any return, jumping blindly into the deep end.  We were out the other night and I looked at him across the chocolate cake on table and felt water swelling in my eyes.  He's beautiful and he's in me.

Last year at this time I was going round two with Aadam, realizing it was never going to work and that fear of being without him, shattered me. Now, he's not even in my life and I'm ok with that. I suppose I needed shattering more than I needed a boyfriend. 


I don't know where any of this will go, but I am not going to get ahead of myself.  I've learned that lesson already.